I dont want no scrubs

As I've mentioned a million and one times, I'm single. I have no problem meeting guys, I mean hello I'm super hot, but my expectations are like, way too high I guess. I've met plenty of guys that were very nice, fairly good looking, and pretty respectful...but no one is good enough. There is always something wrong everyone I meet.

I'm not perfect. I'm overweight. I'm lazy, messy, sloppy. I don't always shave my legs or underarms. I rarely do my hair or wear make up and would just assume wear a men's t-shirt than a blouse. My mom volunteered to submit me to "What Not To Wear." It's that bad. I have the sense of humor of a 15 year old boy. I think farts are hilarious and I say "That's what she said" every bit of 30 times a day. I laugh until I piss myself  cry when people trip.

I'm  fucking crazy bi-polar. I have days or weeks where I'm super happy with extremely high energy and cant stand to sit around the house. I have days or weeks where I want to stay in the bed and not talk to anyone. It's very hard to find a guy who can deal with that. No matter how "understanding" they are, they cant handle it once I'm in full blown crazy mode.

I can't just find normal guys that like me. I find guys that are creepy with like handlebar mustaches. Straight up old villain looking fuckers. Guys with no necks...guys who literally look like serial killers. Dude, you may be the sweetest guy ever, but if I meet you on a dating website and you look like you want to rip my organs out, not even the best lit public place can ease my apprehension to meet you.

Hey purdy lady. You like soup?

Or I get guys that are just strange. I got this message today:

Hi I’m Timur, I’m 21. I like to go out, drive, travel, hang out with friends/family,
watch TV, listen to music, get online, go out, see new things, and etc. I speak
Russian fluently, I was born I southern Russia. I am just looking for what happens
happens, as much as I would love a relationship, they never can be forced, so I guess
we don’t want to do that. Obviously I am messaging you because you have somehow
caught my attention. I hope we can talk further and see? I hope you reply back to the
message and not make me feel like an ass for typing all this out. 

Uhm...did this dude just try to guilt me into messaging him back? I am tempted to reply with "TL;DR" but then that's giving him the satisfaction of a reply.

If I'm not perfect, why do I insist on finding the perfect guy? A friend told me, "You're miserable because you want the perfect guy. Perfect doesn't exist." What the fuck does he know? He's the one who broke my heart let me get away. And we all know I'm a prize.

I am not gonna settle. I don't want no scrubs. To be my dude, you must possess the following qualities:

• Tall. Like well over 6 feet.
• Tan. I don't want a fucking Vampire.
• Makes more money than me. You gotta be able to take me to an expensive ass hibachi grill.
• Cannot be skinny. If I can carry you. No. Just. No
• Has to have a car. My fat ass isn't walking anywhere.
• Gotta be able to deal with my mood swings. Dude, I cant help it. Its completely involuntary. Like your farting. Deal with it.
• Has to be super hot, but not really aware of it. I don't want you to notice when other whores are flirting with you.
• Has to do laundry, cook, and clean. Or has to make enough money to hire someone to do it, cause uh, ew. 

I don't feel like these are unreasonable. He needs to show up soon, cause Im not getting any fucking younger.

image via Google Images 

What about you? Do you think I'm asking too much? Do you have unreasonable expectations that keep you from finding "the one"?