Wednesday, January 12, 2011


At the risk of sounding like a hipster, song covers are overrated, like ironic mustaches, old school Vans, and boob jobs. 

Originally this post was going to be about Miley Cyrus and how now that she is a legal adult, I can beat her ass for butchering Poison's classic "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." I decided to branch out a bit. There is only so many ways I can say "I hate that little skank, but "Hanna Montana is pretty funny. She did have that one song I liked though..." before I sound like a repetitive love sick middle schooler who throws rocks at the person they like. 

If you haven't heard this remake, thank God, and do not youtube it. I heard about it, and was all, "omg I totally love that song, no one can ruin it." I was more wrong than Roman Polanski. This is the most horrible cover I have ever heard, including Aaron Carter's version of "I Want Candy." It is slightly more entertaining than watching an old lady pick at her corns with a machete. If Brett Michaels hadn't have survived that horrible brain bleed, he would be turning over in his grave at this monstrosity. She also did a cover of Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want To Have Fun." I'm not brave enough to listen to it, but I can guarantee it sucks harder than a 2 dollar whore. 

I had to listen to a lot of really shitty music for this post, and I realized, a lot of the time, the originals are just as bad as the covers. There are exceptions to the rule: Limp Bizkit's cover of "Faith" by George Michael. Dolly Parton and Whitney Huston both did stellar versions of "I Will Always Love You." Uncle Krackers take on "Drift Away" isnt too bad either. 

Oh that reminds me of John Mayers version of "Freefalling'" That is the worse peice of shit I have ever heard in my entire life...may actually be worse than Ms. Cyrus' cover. 

Marylin Manson, if you happen to read this, can you please give me one reason why you felt you would be more successful with a version of "Suicide is Painless"? I can almost guarantee your demographic has no idea where the song originated. Actually, I can guarantee it 100% because they obviously have no common sense whatsoever if they think Marylin Manson is a good artist. 

Dixie Chicks. What the fuck. How in Gods name did you think you could do a better job singing "Landslide" than Stevie Nicks? I must admit, I heard your version and fell in love. I was also a naive muscially oblivious middle schooler whos knowledge in music only branched out as far as the local Top 40 station. When I say oblivious, I mean it. Someone told me, "Stevie Nicks originally sang that song." and my retarded ass said, "who is he?" I have to admit...not one of my finer moments, but making mistakes makes us who we are today. 

Speaking of mistakes, (great segway right?!?!) Black Eyed Peas, hand over your fucking musician card right now. They promised us that their album titled "The End" wasnt the end of their group. After I heard "Time of My Life" I really really really wish it had been. Nothing ruins "Dirty Dancing" more than the Black Eyed Peas. 

At first, I was all super stoked about this post. I was all, "Yeah this is gonna be hilarious and show the world (or the 10 people who read it) how awesome my taste in music is!" Now, im like, dude this sucks, but its a post, and if they dont like it, they can blow me***." 


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