Tuesday, October 25, 2011

How my date tried to kill me

Last night, I went out with this guy again. I explained to him all the reasons I felt our first date was a disaster and agreed to see him again. It was a lot of pressure for him. Having told him I thought he was too touchy and I needed my personal space, he was visibly afraid to touch me.  My string of bad dates is still going strong.

It started out great. He picked me up around 6pm and we went to the mall to find him some new clothes. One of my favorite activities is picking out clothes for men. I found him a great pair of jeans and a nice thermal shirt. He tried them on and he looked great. We walked around the mall and decided to go to Applebees for dinner.

I don't believe in going to dinner on a date. I have a digestive disorder, I'm a huge slob when I eat, and I don't like eating in front of people. A dinner date is just a bad idea all around, and it was confirmed last night.

It started out great. We were seated and talked forever. After sending the waitress away three times we finally ordered and enjoyed the conversation while waiting for the food. I was having a really nice time and really liking him. Then it happened.

Our food arrived at the table and we take our first bites. As soon as he puts the food in his mouth, he starts choking. Seriously choking. Like, beating on the table, gasping for air, coughing and gagging choking. After like thirty seconds, which seems like thirty hours, he coughed it up into his napkin, inhaled loudly, and swallowed a sip of his drink.

I kinda just stared in shock, but recovered quickly and made sure he was ok. He assured me he was fine, just had a sore throat and was very embarrassed. I giggled a bit. He totally looked like he wanted to crawl under the table and die when he was trying to hide his spit up, chewed out food that was balled up in his napkin.

As I washed down a bite of my meatball with some delicious sweet tea, he says to me, "Well, I bet that was just sexy as fuck." and I then start to choke. The same, coughing, gagging, gasping for air choking. I'm sure the two of us were thinking the same thing, mainly, "Oh fuck I'm dying. Don't puke on the table please. Oh my god I really cant breathe at all. Don't look like an idiot."

With black eyeliner and mascara running down my face, I excuse myself to the bathroom to puke and clean myself up. Once I finally gained my composure and was able to breathe again, I ventured back to the table. When I sit down I begin giggling nervously because I had smudged make up all over my face and looked like I had just been beaten. Then my nervous giggling turns into nervous laughter, which turns into maniacal laughter.

I sat at the table laughing hysterically for 20 minutes. For some reason, the two of us having a near death experience within minutes of each other is the funniest thing that could ever happen. Even now I am laughing tears trying to write this, which sucks because laughy hands really make typing difficult. Normally, nervous laughter is cute and acceptable, except my laugh isn't a cute little "tee hee hee" laugh. No. My laugh sounds a bit like "HEE HEE HAWW HAWW *gasp, silence, gasp, tears, snot* HEE HAWWWW* It pretty much sounds like a donkey with asthma.

After I pulled myself together we had a very nice rest of the night. We went bowling and walked around Wal Mart for a while. Then we sat in his car in the parking lot watching Youtube videos on our phones.

It was a pretty simple date. Shopping, dinner, two near death experiences, Wal Mart and Youtube.

Have you ever had a terrible date? Tell me about it in the comments.


  1. OMG, I laughed so hard reading this that I was crying...You remind me so much of me...Hysterical...I am still laughing..Even with laryngitis....Really, still laughing......If you could only hear my laryngetical laugh.... Did you laugh while he was choking?? I probably would have, how bad is that? But I can just envision it; it's like a person falling, you can't help but laugh....Reading it again...lol

  2. THIS WAS FUCKEN BRILLIANT. lmfaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo