Sunday, February 27, 2011

Hello alcoholism, nice to meet you

Tonight is Saturday night, and I'm sitting at home while everyone else is either asleep or at work. As I sit on my bed taking double shots of tequila (Jose Cuervo, which B T Dubs is bottled and distributed in Norwalk CT. The more you know.....) out of a Ed Hardy shot glass cause I'm awesome enough to be a little douchey. As I sit here in my work shirt and Miller Light pajama capris (see a pattern here?) watching some shit on the Discovery Channel about wild pigs, on a Saturday night, I realize that my life is boring.

I figured today would be a good day to tell you about my recent near death experience.

After a day of lunch and shopping with Bestie we decided to stop at Wawa for Mt. Dew. We ran in, grabbed our goodies and headed out the door. We casually stroll across the parking lot towards the gas pumps and I look to my left just in time to see a big green SUV with its reverse lights on barreling backwards towards us. It took me about 1/3 of a second to process that we were definitely going to be hit by this car if we didn't get the fuck out of the way right that fucking second. I Immediately threw out the protective mother arm (by which I mean I pushed Bestie out of the way cause she was walking along merrily unaware of the impending doom).

As soon as we were out of harms way I went into complete psycho bitch mode. Both me and Bestie immediately turned and screamed, for God and all the world to hear, "Dude! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?" So this bitch ass guy rolls down his window and starts yelling at me! I was almost the victim and hes yelling at me? That pisses me off even more. I start telling him off, something along the lines of, "You dumb mother fucker. You were less than a foot away from hitting me! You most certainly were NOT backing up first. Really? So I saw you backing up and decided to run across the parking lot directly behind your car? Do I look like I run on a normal basis to you dumb fuck? Bitch? I'll show you a bitch if you-"

I was interrupted. The lady at the gas pump next to  me decided to join in the argument! Oh happy day a witness is taking my side! I was wrong, turns out she was yelling at ME too! Shes all like, "There are children out here. Both of you need to shut up!" I turn around to politely point out that she would have acted the same way I was if her child had been the one who was about to be squashed by an SUV driven by a maniac who is quite obviously not considerate of the Earth, and realize that she has gotten into her car and drove away.

That's right bitch. You don't wanna fuck with me. By this time Mr. IdontgiveashitabouttheEarth has gotten his gas and left, so I stand there, in my mind, undefeated. I look around and see that no one is paying attention to the life threatening ordeal that just took place, get in the car, chug my Mt. Dew, and ride off into the night for more shopping and bowling.

PS: After the shopping and before bowling, we decided to take "Screwdriver Shots." That's kinda irrelevant to the story, but fits with the title.

This is a mystery shot. Vodka, rum, OJ and Blue Curacao. Don't try this at home

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