Monday, February 28, 2011

Counterfeit Charm

I wish more than anything that I could say whatever the fuck I want without repercussion. I hate having to fake being nice. I'm not a fake person, but there are some times when you just HAVE to pretend to be polite.

Par Example: Retarded fucking customers
As I'm sure I've mentioned, I work in a convenience store. 35 hours a week I am pretending to be nice. Sometimes I think the customers that come in my work are the stupidest fucking people that have ever walked this Earth. I'm pretty sure a stegosaurus could figure out the answer to "Can I put kerosene in my gas tank?" or "What does "no smoking" mean?"

Night after night I smile a big, toothy, cheek hurting smile and answer questions like, "That a fried chicken sandwich you makin?" when they can quite OBVIOUSLY see that I am preparing a salad. I cant say, "Yes, this is your fried chicken sandwich. I am disguising it as a salad so people dont know your fatass is eating a double fried chicken sandwich and a bucket of fries."

Example Two: Annoying workers when I am shopping
When I am shopping, I dont want to have to be nice to skinny little high school girls that say, "What size are you looking for? *GRIN*" I'ts not fair I have to, once again, fake that same "you fucking moron" smile and say, "Actually, Im not looking for a size, I cant find anything I like" When what I really want to say is, "Look bitch, Im looking at the men's shirts because Im too fucking fat for the infant sized female clothes this store sells."**

Example Three: A friend asks how something fits
This is a hard one for me. If I'm going out with someone and she looks a hot mess, I'm gonna wanna tell her. So many times I've seen people come in work and think, "Why in the name of fuck did one of her friends not tell her she looks like a whale in a bonnet?" For the most part, all of my friends dress in very simple style, jeans and a tank, denim skirt and leggings, shorts and a t-shirt. However, there has been a time or two when I want to be like, "bitch, if you walk out in public with me you better walk 20 feet behind me." Then, there are times when I think, shit if she looks like an idiot then Im gonna look twice as good.

I'm the opposite. I will keep badgering until someone tells me I look bad. I would frequently ask the boyfriend guy I was banging if my shirt was so tight you could see my fat rolls. Of course hes all, "No you look fine. Lets go eat." So I'm all like, "Are you SURE cause I feel like you can see them." Then he gives me the usual, "No you look great. Lets fucking go." I then retort with, "Ok. If you say I look good then lets go. But remember, people are gonna look at you and think 'look at that dude with the fat chick hahaha'" That changes his mind and hes like, "Well maybe you can see them a little." (shallow dickhead) and I'm "Fuck you I'm wearing this. Lets go eat."

I said all of that to say this:

When we were in high school, faking being nice to someone was called being "two-faced." Now, as an adult, I realize its not being dishonest, its polite to spare the feelings of individuals. I am always cordial but, on the inside, I will ALWAYS be that annoyed, heinous bitch I truly am inside, screaming obscenities and cursing the day some people were born.

**As I've mentioned in a previous post I do not have the best luck shopping. I usually resort to wearing jeans that kinda fit and men's t-shirts.


  1. Okay, I know this one is old, but I was reading through your blog and came across the phrase "she looks like a whale in a bonnet," and I had to stop and comment about how hilarious I found it.

    That is all.

  2. @mamaschinskyHey I love comments and people stalking my old posts :) My older ones are usually funnier than my newer, more bitter ones