Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Shit Happens

This is a story about shit. Literal shit.

Once upon a time I was a responsible adult. I was living on my own, had friends, parties and road trips. This story is about my ex boyfriend who will from here on out be referred to as "Asshole". We took a road trip to Lake Gaston, NC to visit Cousin, her boyfriend Fuckface, and her son Turkey.

Turkey was around two years old, and was just being potty trained. Part of his training was sitting on his potty all the time. He would sit on it while playing video games, watching tv, and even eating dinner. Trust me, this is relevant to the story.

This particular night, we were consuming mass amounts of alcohol. We drank an entire pitcher of Sunny Delight and rum mixed into a frozen "screwdriver," a bottle of Mad Monk vodka, and some beers. Some details of that night are a bit hazy, but one thing I clearly remember is the dinner fiasco of 2008. We made a delicious dinner of steak, baked potatoes and salad with ranch dressing.

We are all having a great time sitting around eating dinner, drinking, and laughing. Amongst the noise, we hear Turkey yelling, "Thats a good boy mama! Look thats a good boy!" At that age, everything a child does is a huge accomplishment to them, so Cousin gives him the obligatory, "Good job baby!" We continue eating, listening to music and whatnot. About 10 mins later, we notice a strange smell. Thinking the cat shit in the house due to lack of attention, we start searching.

Fuckface happens to look at the potty, and notice that Turkey had shit in it while eating dinner. Now, its Fuckface's job to empty it into the toilet. He takes the bowl out and walks behind the couch, dropping it on the hardwood floor. He has a look of disappointment on his face, and as we are laughing at him Asshole yells, "What the FUCK!?!?!" The mixture of shit and pee had splashed up off the floor and onto the back of his neck.

At this time, we all lose our dinner, literally. Asshole walks down and sits on the edge of the pier to hold his composure, looks back and sees Cousin puking off the balcony. Its a nice mixture of booze and ranch dressing, which immediately sends him into a gut wrenching fit. I, with the strongest stomach of us all, am trying to clean up the mess while Asshole is puking on the pier, Cousin is puking off the deck, and Fuckface is puking in the bathroom. Turkey is running around completely naked, crying cause of all the confusion. I'm gagging, trying to stop him from walking in the shitty mess, and trying to put a diaper on him. I realize at this time, I am in no way, shape or form ready for kids.

After all the chaos, we have a good laugh about the situation. All except for Asshole. He was pretty shitty about the whole situation (pun most definitely intended).

 I wake up the next morning and realize I somehow lost a contact lens in my sleep. Hungover, and half blind is not a great way to take a road trip back home.

Me and Cousin all grown up

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