Thursday, September 22, 2011

If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis

I've come close to pooping on myself more than once. I had to have my gallbladder removed about a year and a half ago. You may be asking yourself, "Self? What is a gallbladder? Isn't that what makes you pee?" No dumb ass, that's your bladder. Apparently lots of people get those confused. Lets make this simple: Bladder-holds your piss. Gallbladder-keeps you from shitting yourself.

Since having my gallbladder out my stomach is beyond sensitive. Milk and fried/fatty foods immediately send my stomach into a gurgling rage. Fast food is my mortal enemy.

About a month after my surgery I was with my then boyfriend at a garage while he and his buddies worked on a car. Right before we met the guys there, we went to Burger King. I was hungry as a bitch and in a hurry, so I scarfed down a double cheeseburger and onion rings, and we were on our way to the garage.

This garage was at someones house. Any time we went I was too shy to ask to use the bathroom so Id sit there holding my pee until I sighed enough times that my boyfriend got the hint and we left.

Still being new to the whole missing a huge part of my digestive tract game, I didn't know I couldn't eat double cheeseburgers. That day I found out.

After being at the garage for about ten minutes my stomach started rumbling. I figured I could just fart a few times, wait a little while and Id be fine. Another fifteen minutes went by and I was almost crying due to the pain. I told my boyfriend I really needed him to take me to the store to get some medicine. We ran up to a gas station about a mile down the street and I could feel the brown beast trying to escape.

I hobbled inside and asked for the bathroom and was pointed in the right direction. Just as I thought I was gonna be relieved, I found out there was a lady shitting in the single stall bathroom. Trying to be as polite as possible, I knocked on the door and said, "Ma'am I'm sorry to bother you, but are you going to be much longer?" She said she'd be right out. That bitch lied.

Leaning against the wall and doubled over in pain, I waited an eternity before I knocked again. "Excuse me but it really is an emergency. I need to use the bathroom immediately." I heard her sigh and shuffle stuff around before she came out. Notice I didn't say I heard water. The nasty heifer didn't wash her hands, but I was in no position to lecture her on proper hand washing techniques.

I ran into the bathroom and started gagging. I cant be positive, but I'm pretty sure this lady shit out a dead animal. The smell can only be described as rancid sewage treatment plant runoff. As anyone who has ever had food poisoning knows, gagging and an upset stomach ends in terrible results. Fortunately for me and anyone I would encounter the rest of the day, I made it to the toilet right at the time my ass erupted like a volcano.

Never in my life have I been more scared than in that five minutes when I was desperately trying to not poop my pants.

I've since learned to only eat at places in close proximity to my house...and  how to shit in public without being embarrassed.

Have you ever pooed in your pants?

1 comment:

  1. I was at the library. I was on my lunch break. I made a huge mess all over the stall, the stool, my pants, my shirt and had to throw out my underpants. I then had to go home, change my clothes, and go back to work. In different clothes. And didn't have time to shower.

    thank you