Monday, May 2, 2011

I am almost old

My birthday is in 15 days. I'm going to be 23. To quote the great Jessica Simpson, "I'm almost 23, which is almost 25, which is almost middle age!" At 23 years old, Ive done just about nothing with my life. I feel inadequate. I blame my feeling this way on Facebook.

Here, I can see that half the people I went to high school with are graduating college next week, and the other half are married with kids. What am I doing? I work in a convenience store. It pays the bills of course, its just not what I pictured myself doing.

If you had asked me 3 years ago where I would be today, I'd have probably told you "I'm going to be a stay at home mommy and Army wife by then." That's what I truly believed. I had my future all planned out. Today, if you ask me where I'll be in 3 years I'll have no idea what to tell you. I'd like to tell you I'll be married with at least one child and another on the way, but who am I kidding?

I'm not at all saying I want to go back to when I was 20 years old. I'd never want to go back to the time I threw my life away for a guy that was my world, when I was only a pit stop on his way to his 3rd marriage. I wish I knew back then what I know now.

I said that last sentence to a friend the other day. You know what he said? "Don't we all?" Then it hit me...he is 4 years older than me. I shouldn't have the same mentality. I'm too young to think like an old person. I should be drinking more, throwing up more, and being labeled as "that girl."

To be fair, I'm quite often "that girl" but for different reasons. I.m that negative chick no one wants to talk to. I'm the chick that can turn any conversation into one about me. You got dumped? My ex dumped me but never even told me. You sprained your ankle? In middle school I sprained my ankle and both my big toes the day before I walked across stage for 8th grade graduation. You have hole in your shirt? In high school I spilled water on my white shirt and walked around showing everyone my bra for an hour. I'm the pessimist that sees myself as a realist. Pessimism comes with old age. I'm that grouchy old lady that has more problems than you, and I can outdo anything you say.

Another reason I know I'm getting old: My nerves are shot all to fuck.
I can't deal with people being loud, loud music, or girls screeching in laughter. When I'm at work and the drunk college kids come in, I want to shoot someone in the face. The other day I was sitting in a drive through, and they told me to pull up so they could bring my order out. After 2 mins the guy behind me started beeping and I flipped my shit. Called him every name I could think of in the span of 30 seconds.

I talk about stuff from "when I was younger." My 15 yr old brother asks "Who is Stone Cold Steve Austin?" And I'm like, oh when I was younger he had a big war with the Rock on hes like, "you mean WWE?" I'm like, "NO GOD DAMMIT! THIS WAS BEFORE WWF AND WCW COMBINED!!" He gets bored and walks away cause he doesn't understand. They play the fucking Backstreet Boys and NSYNC on Flashback Fridays. Peoples "babies" I remember feeding and changing are now in 4th grade. Are you serious? It was only like last year she was born right?

In the past 3 years I have grown so much. Too much.

If I am freaking out this bad now, I cant imagine whats gonna happen in 7 years and15 days when I turn....thirty...(I will totally be married with kids by then....)

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