Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I may be brain damaged

Yesterday my sister and I went to a lake/pool for the day with her friends, then went bowling that night. I'm pretty sure it was their way of getting us out of the house to have some fun since we lost our aunt Saturday morning.

Today I have no voice and my body feels like someone has put me through one of those old fashioned clothes wringers. My obliques, triceps, shoulder blades and lower back feel like they are on fire. My voice sounds like a mix of Samuel L. Jackson and Michael Jackson...not a pretty combo.

The place we went to isn't exactly a lake but it is kinda...its like a lake with concrete edges and a muddy/sandy bottom...and the water has been dyed a bluish green color. There are diving boards, a rope swing, two water trampolines and a "blob."

The "blob" is pretty much this giant bag of air that you jump onto from a tower that's like 800 feet high. Ok I think its actually like 20 or 30 feet, but when you are afraid of heights, it feels like 800. After you jump onto it, if your fatass can stay on without rolling off, you crawl to the end so another fat kid and jump and catapult you 30 feet into the air a la Heavyweights.
taken straight from the lake's website
You have to jump from the tower and land on either your ass or on your hands and knees. Well, if you land on your hands and knees, you're gonna get hurt somehow. After two entire minutes of everyone yelling at me to jump, I threw myself off the tower, jammed my shoulder, and rolled right into the water. My sister slammed her shins on the plastic (or maybe vinyl?), and our friend has a HUGE bruise on his arm from the way he landed.
This is not me...or my hairy armpits. Face removed cause I don't exactly have his permission to use his photo. 

This shit is dangerous, but it has the potential to be fun, so we do it anyway.  I was also roped (pun intended) into going on the rope swing. There is this huge ramp you run down while holding the rope and swing out over the water to fall into. I told the group of people I was with that I couldn't do it because I couldn't hold my weight. I started running down the ramp, got 3/4 of the way down and lost grip of the rope, fell and slammed my big toe on the wooden ramp, screamed and flopped into the water. Yeah, it was sexy. 

Our asshole friends thought yesterday was the day I needed to learn how to dive off a diving board. I've tried to learn how since I was little, and I just cant do it. I have to hold my nose to go underwater, so I can't dive like everyone else. I imagined looking like Pocahontas, when she dives off the cliff and into the river. The video below shows you what I actually look like...
That is my sister screaming at me to "DO IT! NOW!" When she tried to dive, she belly flopped so hard the lifeguard asked her if she was ok. 

You can see here how I chicken out because the first time I did it, I thought my nose was bleeding from how hard it smacked the water. When I was doing this, I felt like a beautiful dolphin, but I looked like I'm falling overboard from a ship. Everyone cheered for me, which once again, brought lots of attention to me. There was a group of guys I was trying to pretty much hide from since they come into my work every night and torment me relentlessly. 

All in all I had a pretty fun day, no sunburn and no bruises, just sore muscles and no voice. I'm still not entirely convinced I don't have brain damage from the water that funneled into my brain from my attempted diving. 


  1. OMG, that is so me. I can't dive because I have to hold my nose, too. Ask your mother about not being able to lift your own body weight; not her's, mine. I had one hell of a bruise from being thrown in the boat with Mike being all pissed because he had to get out of the boat to throw me back in. Then his own dumbass couldn't get back in the boat; he had to go at it a time or two....lol...lol...

  2. Still laughing...you are too funny. But you did it in the end....:)

  3. Mama was just telling me that story not too long ago. She said shed never been so scared in her life as when the storm started

  4. I want to go to this place. I'm sorry about the loss of your aunt, and I'm glad that you were able to get out there and play a little bit.