Wednesday, July 20, 2011

This One Is For The Boys

Guys, I know y'all think you're the man and you don't need dating advice...but you most certainly do.

I am nowhere near a dating expert, but I've been around the block a time or two. Ive made it quite obvious that I think most guys are complete douchebags who should burn in hell, but fuck, I'm a good person, so I'm sitting my bitterness aside for the sake of the human race. If it wasn't for me, procreation would cease to exist and the Earth would consist of nothing but water, plants and animals. Boring as shit. So first I'm gonna give you a list of shit to NEVER fucking do to keep yourself from being a dickbag and causing all humans to die. 

Do not EVER try to get the attention of a female by saying any of the following:
"Aye guuurrlll"
"Aye yo shawty" 
"Mmm mmm mmm lemme holla at you" 

These phrases sound especially stupid coming from a 40 year old man. Dude, you may think you got game, but acting like a teenager makes you look retarded, and its no wonder you're single. 

Do not EVER follow a girl around her place of employment. It makes you creepy, and she will try to hide from you next time she sees you. You make an impression, but not a good one. 

If, by the grace of God a girl approaches you and tries to talk to you, please do not stare at her chest and lick your lips. You look like a hungry dog. 

Don't try to brag about all the girls you pull...she isn't impressed and will think you are a disease ridden miscreant. 

Don't play up how sexy you THINK you are. Chances are you are pretty average looking, and while that's certainly ok, its not ok to feel you have to convince her. She will see an ugly, narcissistic dickface. 

If you actually are as sexy as you think, don't be a douche about it. If you have a six pack, be proud of it, but do NOT show her every 10 fucking minutes. If she compliments you on your smile, don't you dare ask her if she forgot about your abs. 

If you happen to meet a girl online, especially a dating site, for the love of all that is holy show her a current picture of what you REALLY look like. Show her a picture where you're showing off a nice set of abs and have a lush head of hair and that's what she is gonna expect. If you show up 50 lbs heavier, with hair plugs, you ain't getting lucky. 

There are probably a million other don'ts, but I gotta be a little positive. 

When you meet a girl, shake her hand gently and introduce yourself politely: "Hi. My name is Carlos. How are you today?" 

After the introduction, make some small talk. If she seems like shes in a hurry, give her your number and let her call you when its convenient for her. If you are out with your boys when she calls, step outside and chat with her for a bit. It shows you can make time for her. 

Actually make time for her. If she wants to get together after work for dinner and drinks, try your hardest to help find a day that works for both of you. 

If you somehow manage to convince her into a relationship with her, remember to tell her she is pretty, not sexy. Girls like to hear they are beautiful, not hot. Show her she is more than just a sexual object to you. 

Once you find someone good, don't get scared and run away. If you were hurt in the past, remember its not your new girls fault. Shes probably scared too. 

Remember, its not all about you, no matter how much swag you think you got. 

Yeah I know, me giving dating advice is like a dolphin giving you fashion advice, but god dammit I know what I'm talking about. Just fucking listen to me for once. Remember I'm always right.

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