Saturday, July 23, 2011

Just one of those days

You know the days where you know you shouldn't get outta bed? The ones where you wake up and think, "Fuck. I bet my leg falls off today." Today is one of those days.

Last night I woke up to my mother flipping on my light and yelling "It's 10:30. Get up!" When I get up I'm covered in sweat since its still a billion fucking degrees, and have to get ready for work.

I get to work and immediately start pouring sweat. I make order after order, after order after order. I swear the entire city must not have been allowed to eat all day. After a few hours I'm moved to the register where I am accused of needing "an attitude adjustment." A lady said I was slamming stuff around...what actually happened is I tripped over a threshold and accidentally slammed a door against a wall. I guess in her eyes being clumsy means I have a bad attitude.

After a painful night at work, my mom asks me to go to Wal Mart with her. I venture out in the 90 degree heat (at 8am) to go to the store and get some breakfast.

After drudging around Wal Mart for a while, I found a really cute shirt that was just my style on clearance for 3 bucks. I took it to the register and the lady wouldn't sell it because it didn't have tags even though it had the little tag that had the price. She keeps saying, "I cant scan it without a bar code. Ive got to have the bar code. Without a bar code I cant scan it." I tell her to just forget about it and pay for my shampoo and conditioner.

My mother was next in line and the first thing the lady scans is a pair of shorts and says to me "This is a bar code." The other 5 people in line looked at me like I was a fucking retard. I just walked outside cussing to myself.

After we left Wal Mart we went to Waffle House. Now Waffle House isn't my favorite place in the world...its dirty, smelly, hot and crowded, but I went anyway. I ordered a chocolate chip waffle and an order of hashbrowns with ham. I watched them make my hashbrowns with ham and onions. I hate onions. My hashbrowns tasted like dirty fucking armpits, but I sucked it up and ate them anyway, figuring Id at least enjoy my waffle.

Wrong. I ate about 1/4 of my waffle and next thing I know I have water spots on my glasses and my shirt is wet. One of the fucking waitresses sprayed me and my food with dishwater. They offered to remake my food, but I knew my mom wouldn't let me take the time to enjoy it, and Id end up having to take it home. I just laughed it off and ate the waterlogged waffle. I laughed, but I actually wanted to cry.

After being out in the heat I threw my hair up in a claw clip and chilled in front of my sister snapped a pic of me and showed it to my mom...who thought it was a new guy my sister was seeing...She said, and I quote: "I thought you were your sister's future husband!"

Yes, you read that right. My mother didn't recognize her own daughter...and thought I was a boy. I've included the photo for your viewing pleasure:
On the next Maury: I'm my own twin brother. 
Its always a great day when my food tastes like soggy armpits and my mother mistakes me for a man. I really should have just stayed in bed last night. 

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