Sunday, July 31, 2011

Not one of those funny alcohol stories

I never get privacy. I could have 12 padlocks on the inside of my bedroom door and it wouldn't keep people out. Id love nothing more than to sleep in a tshirt and underwear, but my creepy little brother likes to barge in to steal my laptop and anything else he can get his hands on. Fucking kleptomaniac. 

If I'm on the phone or even texting, everyone must know who I'm conversing with. After finding out who Im talking to, my mother decides to tell me stories that I cant even follow because shes so busy laughing. then gets pissed cause I dont get it. 

One place people refuse to give me privacy is the bathroom. As soon as I step in the shower, my sister has to come in to pee. Its like its in her genetic makeup. As soon as she hears me drop my clothes to the floor *KNOCK KNOCK* "Can I come in to pee?" 

It takes an act of Congress for me to shit in peace. 

People are constantly yelling my name, knocking on the door, yelling for me to hurry up. Its been like that for as long as I can remember. 

A few years ago I was in the bathroom, with the newspaper, handling my business, when a drunk 15 year old busted in crying hysterically. I was pretty much in shock, and its a good thing I was already on the scared the shit out of me. 

I started yelling at her like, "Uh what the fuck? I'm trying to shit here" Shes mumbling and loudly crying, then thinks its a good idea to call ANOTHER person into the bathroom. She opens the door and starts screaming for her friend. The other kid comes in and apologizes like, "Hey I'm sorry. Shes drunk and like having a bad day." Oh cause this situation really made my day. I asked her to take her to another room, or home, or anywhere out of the fucking bathroom where I'm sitting on the toilet trying to poop. 

Their solution was to sit in the bathtub with the curtain closed. I could still hear the girl manically sobbing about lord knows what and the other girl yelling at her to calm down. I was getting very fucking annoyed. I dont have a very high tolerance for teenagers, or drunk people, so imagine my tolerance for drunk teenagers. Listening to their voices was inhibiting me from shitting and reading the fucking Sunday comics. 

After about five minutes I finished up and left the bathroom...and could never look at those girls the same again. 

This is a true story about teenage drinking. Teens, don't drink or you'll end up in a smelly bathroom, crying in the bathtub while a grown woman shits.

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