Saturday, August 20, 2011

What I really meant to say

Right now seems like the perfect time to quote that speech from one of your favorite movies. You know the one..I hate the way you talk to me, Hate the way you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry? But the worst part is I don't hate you, not even a little, not even at all? Yeah I'm paraphrasing, but I know you know the whole quote by heart.

I know a lot more than you think. Every time I make a chicken salad wrap I think of you. I know how much you love it. Every time I sell a vanilla game I smile cause it reminds me of the time you gave it to that random dude who wanted a cigarette. I know you're weird and like to smoke them when you drink. I think its funny you like wine blacks when you drink...I do too...just never told you. You probably didn't know that I saw you looking at me through the reflection of the computer screen while you were playing your stupid ass game and I was reading.  Do you know how often you'd roll over, put your arm around me and smile while you were sleeping? You did it a lot. Remember that first morning I woke up with your arm around me? All this heartbreak was worth that one time. I know you know I'm hurting...I could see it in your face tonight...even through the tears.

I wanted to say so much to you tonight. More than just, "Make sure you close that door all the way." But that's the best I could choke out. What I wanted to do is lay my head against your chest and cry. Cry from happiness cause Ive finally gotten to see you after all this time. Cry because you had the same look you had every time you came home from work and saw me sitting there playing Sorority Life. Cry because I'm so fucking mad at you. It's not fair what you put me through. Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Sometimes I wish I still had you.

I don't remember our first kiss. I remember our last. Fuck I remember the date. December 21st. I'll never forget coming home from work and turning on the light, giggling as you scrunched up your face. When I got into bed, and you wrapped your arms around me to warm me up, cause it was like negative eight thousand degrees outside, it was the best feeling ever. You'd been away for a little over a month...but it felt like a million years. The day we dropped you off to leave, it took every ounce of willpower I had to not cry. When we left, I just stared out the window the entire ride home. I didn't even talk unless someone asked me a question. I didn't want to cry in front of your mom or sister. You know how much I hate people seeing me cry. I don't even let my family see me cry. I know how much you hated seeing me cry.

I think of all those times I just laid in bed with you and cried. So many times you played with my hair while I laid on your chest and bawled over something stupid. I knew I could cry in front of you. I was ok crying with you. But I didn't want you to see me cry tonight. I fought and fought to keep the tears back...but as soon as I saw you they flowed.

Remember that time I found that grey hair and prayed you were banging some old chick? Now I just assume you're gay and will never be with another woman.

You're an idiot. When you left I told you to make sure you shut the door all the way. I meant the storm door. I just went out to check the mail, and the front door was locked...but the storm door was wide open. God you can't follow directions.

I hate that we don't have any pictures together. Well we do have a few, but either your face is cut off, or those ones from Halloween where you are wearing the mask. You know the ones where you so lovingly held the butcher knife up to my throat? I still have that picture I took of you. The one where you are laying on the couch with the dog? I almost deleted it the other day but I couldn't do it. I hit the delete button, then canceled it. I was so upset when I had to do a factory restore on my phone and thought I lost it. Thank God it was on my memory card.

I still have the letters you wrote me...I still have that Ozzy lighter. I still have your earrings and tongue ring. I almost threw everything away..but I cant bring myself to do it. They are a reminder that you did care one time. They show me that all this pain was once worth it. I wrote you letters too. They were letters telling you how much I love you. You'll never see them. Even if we live happily ever after until we are 150 years'll never see them. But we wont live happily ever after. I knew one day you'd realize you aren't that fat guy you thought you were. You'd realize you aren't ugly. You are in good shape and sexy as fuck.

I wasn't gonna text you after you left, but I've acted like such a bitch this past week I figured I could show you that I am actually a mature adult. I'm glad I did. At least I know you still want to be friendly. That's all I can ask for right now.

But I'm still really fucking pissed at you. Maybe its the difference in our ages that made it not work. For a grown ass man, you still have a lot of growing up to do. I'm so mad at you. I hate you. But I don't. Not even a little...not even at all. See...there is your favorite movie again. Don't worry. I love that you love that movie, no matter how gay it sounds.

What I really meant to say was I never want to see you again...but if you wanna hang out on my next day off just text me.

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