Thursday, October 6, 2011

I was born this way

I "Stumbled" on a very interesting website today. It breaks down the characteristics of the different Zodiac signs, then breaks them down even further based on the day you were born. I read this and was like, holy fuck...this is EXACTLY me. I'm inviting you on a journey...I'm going to show you how I was doomed from the day of my birth to be a basket-case susceptible to heartbreak...and asshole tendencies. 

First, I'm gonna start with the general characteristics of a "Taurus Woman." 

"Outwardly, the Taurus woman may appear relaxed and inactive, then all of a sudden she can shudder and a great eruption takes place."- I can be calm for a while, then all of the sudden batshit crazy? Sounds like Bipolar Disorder to me...Who has two thumbs and is Bipolar? This Girl. 

"By nature, these Taurus girls may suffer somewhat from inertia; they are not to susceptible to change, and very much so where such changes are initiated by others and, outside of her complete control."-Break-ups with Tauruses (Taurui?)= BAD NEWS FOR YOU BUDDY. Your life is gonna be pretty hellacious for a while. Can't help the crazy...I was born this way. 

"By nature the Taurus woman leans toward being a very conservative person when it comes to money"-See? It's perfectly acceptable for me to not pay more than twenty bucks for a pair of shoes. I was born this way. 

"Taurus is a child of Venus, the goddess of love. Therefore the Taurus woman is very romantic and, once she has given her heart she does so with the thought of  “forever” in mind."-This explains why I get so attached to every fucking dickbag I meet and end up getting hurt. Can't help that I fall in love easily. I was born this way. 

"Gaining the love of a Taurus woman might take quite a time"-Hello, trust issues. Nice to see you again. "No babe. It's not your fault I constantly suspect you are cheating, despite the fact that you are with me every minute of the day. I'm sorry, I was born this way."

These points describe my personality DEAD ON. It's kinda creepy, but it gets even weirder when I look at the breakdown of those born on May 17th. 

"As a May 17 Taurus birth date you are endowed with a particularly humorous nature...This May 17 birth date also has an association with the “Fool” card in the tarot. However, there are associations existent in this particular day that indicate that your sense of humor can at times, project a very sharp edge to it."-I'm predestined to be a bitch for comedy sake. Everyone thinks I'm being mean when I tell the girl I work with she's "a scandalous ho" but I was created with satire in my blood. "I don't hate you. Calling you a whore is my way of saying 'bro'. Its a term of endearment. I'm sorry if it hurts...I was born an asshole."

"Those of the May 17 birth date are born lovers, and as result they will be prepared to devote a considerable amount of time to their progression through the various aspects of their more intimate relationships."-This is why I'm seen as "clingy." "Dude, I cant help that I'm on your nuts all the time by blowing up your phone...I was born this way." 

"The May 17 is particularly fond of good foods...With your love of food you should consider adopting some form of regular exercise regime."-That's my excuse to be comfortable with my overweightness. "Hey, I know I look like a fatass with this entire plate of Italian sausage linguine alfredo, but fuck you. I was born to be fat." 

"You will have a strong love of flowers"-Guess that explains my near obsession with having roses tattooed on my body...while I'm wearing pajama pants with roses on them...and I post under the name "Roses" and my email address/screen name and any other possible username has the word roses in it...

There are many other examples, like about how super cute and amazing I am and how the Taurus is the most sexual of all the signs...but I'm not going into detail about that one...Ok, so it doesn't exactly say I'm super cute and amazing in those words...but it does say I care about mankind and am ruled by Venus so I'm beautiful or some shit. 

I don't study the stars or whatever it is those obsessed with the Zodiac do, but I do see how this description is an extremely accurate representation of myself. I have FINALLY found a reason to quote Lady Gaga everyday. 

Did you check out the website? Does your Zodiac sign describe you perfectly or did it miss the mark? Are you gonna start walking around stating, "Baby, I was born this way" after everything someone criticizes you? Tell me in the comments! 

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