Saturday, February 11, 2012

How to Become a Swamp Donkey

Working in a convenience store, I see a LOT of people. Like shit tons. I also see extreme amounts of poor fashion choices. We all know I'm not a fashion blogger and I really don't care about fashion, but I do actually get mad at the ridiculous clothing people wear.

When I say poor fashion choices what do you think? Socks and sandals pretty much comes to everyone's mind right? Clashing colors...clashing patterns...temperature inappropriate attire, clothes where your ass hangs out or where I can actually see your nipples because the neckline is so low.

We at work refer to people who dress like this as "Swamp Donkeys"

Now with more yeast infection

Today, I am gonna help you become a Swamp Donkey. Here are 8 rules you MUST follow in order to become one:

1. Lace leggings are pants. 
2. If you wear lace leggings under booty shorts in February, it makes it an appropriate winter outfit. 
3. Shoes are not required as long as your asscheeks hang out your dress. 
4. NEVER wear a bra
5. Show as much of your love handles/fat rolls/cellulite as possible
6. Make sure you wear shoes that are so tall you fall at least once. 
7.Your eye make up MUST cover at least half of your face 

8. Honestly, if you've gotten this far, you are already considered a Swamp Donkey and need no more advice. 

You may be asking yourself exactly what a Swamp Donkey looks like...lucky for you I've taken the liberty of searching far and wide on the internet to find a few pictures for your viewing pleasure: 
The more smudged make up the better

Got Dunlap Disease? Perfect 
If you follow these easy rules, you too can be made fun of and judged. If you think you might be a Swamp Donkey, listen for the sure sign...People yelling "HEE HAW HEE HAW" when you walk past. 

What are your biggest fashion pet peeves? Are you a Swamp Donkey? Have you encountered them or heard the mating call? Tell me in the comments. 


  1. Crocs and fat people wearing tight/revealing clothing thinking they are showing off by wearing those

  2. ewwww crystal thats just nasty im glad i dont work with the public cause i dont wana see any of these swamp donkeys it offends my eyes

  3. Dude I read this at work and it was a terrible mistake. One of our nurses walked by as I scrolled past the picture of the woman putting her foot in her mouth (...?).

    Also, "Now with more yeast infection"? Yeah, laughed until I snorted. Embarrassing.

    I hate high-water pants. Something about seeing ankles in high-waters is unsettling to me. Also, women who don't wear bras who REALLY, DEFINITELY, OMGWTF STOP, MY EYES, should be wearing them.

    I think that's about it.