Monday, March 19, 2012

SPOILER ALERT! 15 years late

When I was younger I used to watch the show Roseanne all the time. Then once I got older I watched re-runs on Nick at Nite and TV Land. Somehow I missed the series finale. The last thing I remember is Darlene having the baby super early and her being in the hospital.

Last night at work a coworker started telling me about the series finale and I was completely taken aback, so I decided to youtube that shit on up.

The finale is a two part series. The first episode is very touching. Darlene and David bring their daughter, little 2 month old Harris Conner Healy, into the Conner household and move into Darlene and Becky's old bedroom so they can be close to home while Harris grows. Everyone is so doting and excited that the baby is finally home after her two month hospital stay. Turns out her being there has helped Dan tremendously in his recovery from the heart attack he suffered at the end of season 8.

At the end of the first part of the series Roseanne leads a very heartwarming prayer over a dinner of pizza. She talks about how lucky they are to have overcome so much in the past few years, including Dan's infidelity, his heart attack and the premature birth of baby Harris.

The second part of the episode is where all the twists and turns happen so fast you get motion sickness. Within the first ten minutes, Becky and Mark try to decide when to tell everyone that they too are expecting a baby. Leon and Scott also announce that they finally started the adoption paperwork and will have their own baby girl in two months.

Darlene and David discuss how they feel that Roseanne and Dan don't want them hanging around long, so Darlene tells her they are leaving to go back to Chicago within two weeks, but Roseanne begs her to stay and Darlene says she never wants to leave.

12 minutes into the second part of the finale, as everyone is sitting around the dinner table arguing over Chinese food, reminiscent of the opening credits, a voice over of Roseanne Conner breaks through saying that Leon, "Isn't as cool as I made him." Then goes on to say that Scott really is a probate lawyer who met Leon a year earlier so she "didn't get too creative there."

I know. Right now you are saying, "What the what is this bitch talking about?" Chill. You ain't seen nothing yet.

She starts talking about how big of a nerd DJ is and how he is really just creative. After that she says that the reason she made her mom gay is because she was too submissive and wanted her to have a sense of self worth. So, really, Roseanne's mom isn't a lesbian...but guess who is...Jackie! Roseanne "made" her straight because she always pictured her with a man.

She goes on to make a joke about Nancy's terrible ex husband, who was played by Tom Arnold, Roseanne's real life ex husband. (He was written out of the show after they divorced.) She says she never knew what happened to him but in her book she sent him off to outer space. Then, she admits that Becky is actually the one who brought home David, and Darlene Mark, but she didn't like it so she "fixed it" as any good mother would do.

Then, the camera pans over to an empty seat and Roseanne's voice over says, "I lost Dan last year when he had his heart attack."

WHATTT?? I know you are super confused and have no idea what's going on, but keep waiting!

The scene then changes to Roseanne sitting in the basement at a typewriter. In case you don't remember, in the first season Dan and the kids turn the basement into a writing room for her as a birthday present. They also make a reference to it in the finale, to remind everyone of a super minor detail that no one in their right mind would actually remember.

She then reveals that when he died it made her feel like he left her for another woman, hence Dan's infidelity...She says that when Dan died it made her lose her sense of security because of the loss of his income, so, are you ready for this? She began writing about what it would be like to have money. Yeah, the Conner family never won the lottery.

Roseanne then says a phrase that explains the whole fuckery and nonsense of the series finally. "As I wrote my life, I relived it, and what I didn't like, I changed."

The entire series of Roseanne turned out to be a book that the main character, Roseanne Conner wrote about her life. It was all fiction. I feel like everything I ever knew growing up has been completely twisted. Maybe I'm being a little super overdramatic, but oh my God I did not know any of this. How could I have possibly gone FIFTEEN years and never seen this episode?

Are you as mindfucked as me?

1 comment:

  1. Huh. I never watched the show religiously, but I did watch it when I was bored. I had never seen the finale, so I didn't know any of it. Thanks for saving me an hour of my life.....